Rant from the shadows

Wed Sep 3, 2003

Warning: I had a bad day, this will not be a cheery entry. Turn back now.

Oh, how weary I feel. After a brief period of progress, my relationship with Kitten class has deteriorated once more. Anarchy rules and I suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Debbie is horrified of course and I still cringe when I have to listen to her useless inapplicable advice. At this point I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m hopeless at teaching small foreign children under the age of ten. I’m quite specific in that claim because I do believe I have some merit as a teacher. I do, after all, have some knowledge to impart to the next generation. How humbling then, to be totally unappreciated for my efforts. Today all our afternoon classes were canceled because our director had some union meetings scheduled or something bizarre to that effect. So Debbie made us sit through two hours of videotape of her and Sulu’s ‘Puppy’ class to give me some ideas. Did it help? Not really. Watching other people’s classes never seems to help me with my classes because the children are different and the teacher is different and you can’t do the same things. Besides I thought Puppy class looked bored and lifeless and are doomed to become more automaton Korean worker bees. If you don’t mind the bitter cynicism.

So what usually happens with me when I struggle with personal conflict is that it cascades into a wave of negativity typical of any raging pessimist. And I do not claim to be a pessimist, but negativity has a ripple effect that seeks to subject every facet of one’s life to introspection. Today as I worked quietly on my teaching materials I asked myself the questions everybody asks themselves in their emotional lulls: Can you honestly say your life is rich and meaningful and filled with love, happiness and a sense of purpose? Then what torment I feel when the honest answer is a sad no. Then what further angst clouds my mind when I feel like a coward and a loser for reconciling myself to a sub-standard life, a life I should seek to enrich but cannot because I do not know how.

How ironic then that I am but a child among children.

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