The greatest real estate opportunity on planet Earth

Tue Aug 30, 2016

All you savvy investors out there must know by now that you can make ridiculous amounts of money in Vancouver real estate. Those who bought a few years ago are doing VERY well for themselves. We thought this wild ride couldn’t last, but prices keep going up and up and up, with no end to the gravy train in sight.

Well, that’s not really true - there have been rumblings in the media about bubbles popping, or some such nonsense, but let me assure you: there is still money to be made. Even for all you foreign investors saddled with that 15 percent tax… My advice is - ignore the tax, my friends. 15 percent is nothing, NOTHING, compared to the gains you will make in the next decade.

Let me tell you why.

First, if you’re trying to decide whether to invest in Toronto or Vancouver, keep in mind that Toronto sucks. You may not know this, but Toronto does not have ANY mountains. Not one. And mountains make for spectacular views. Yes, the majority of Vancouver houses don’t have mountain views, but that is irrelevant. Just knowing the mountains exist is enough to put a smug smile on the face of a Vancouver homeowner. Look at what happened to Calgary - they have no mountains and now everybody there is sad.

Second, the delightfully high real estate prices are having a wonderful sanitizing effect. High rents and property values are forcing all those disgusting mom and pop stores, many of which are run by shady immigrants, to close. Even better, low income families with noisy children are being chased out of the city. All those related services which cost the city money will follow, such as daycares, schools, libraries, recreation centres, playgrounds, etc. Speaking of noise, there will be no more rowdy students to worry about either. Instead, the elite will flock to Vancouver - mature, cultured, and wealthy beyond all measure. Think sports cars and luxury yachts. Think Monaco.

Third, ordinary Canadians need heavy mortgages to buy a home. These poor fools are in so much debt that the bank will own them for the rest of their lives, but they will love you for it. Why? Because when they eventually retire, they will embrace you with tears in their eyes for making them elderly millionaires for a few years before they die.

Finally, global warming will soon turn Vancouver into the next Los Angeles. I mean, literally the next Los Angeles. It seems certain that once the real Los Angeles becomes an inhospitable desert and runs out of water, America, led by the great President Donald Trump, will buy Canada and merge it into the USA. Then he will relocate Los Angeles further up the coast. All the movie stars will move there, they will put a new “Hollywood” sign up on the North Shore mountains, and Elon Musk will start building spaceships in Surrey. It will be glorious.

So there you have it. There will be no “crash” or even a “soft landing”. Real estate prices will keep going up and up forever. You know the adage, “buy low, and sell high”? Well this is as low as it gets. I am telling you (with all the sincerest honesty that I can muster) that $5 million for a crackhouse on Vancouver’s East Side is a fantastic deal. FANTASTIC. Vancouver, without a doubt, represents the greatest real estate opportunity on planet Earth right now, and you would be a red-faced fool not to buy, buy, buy.

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